The Children's Corner - Excerpt
CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR
Ollie Brandsnicker regarded the outside of the envelope with dread. It was the same thing every year during the first few weeks of December. He recognized his cousin’s address from the ready-made return sticker, complete with miniature snowman and oversized snowflakes, and wondered what the mailman thought about the offending envelope. Midwest tacky. But then, this was New York, and they had probably seen a little of everything, just as he had his last ten years living in the city.
Ollie knew he would have to open the letter, but as always he dreaded the chore. After sorting through the rest of the mail (two bills, one letter that wasn’t his, and two identical catalogs from a nationally recognized retail store that specialized in prosaic home furnishings), he finally acquiesced and tore into the moist weather-beaten envelope. As usual it wasn’t a card that popped out, but rather the proverbial “Christmas letter” that he so feared. His cousin was given to sending these newsletters each year, confident that everyone enjoyed hearing about her latest fudge recipes and sanctimonious preaching. In the past, Ollie had thought that by not sending a card back or responding in any way, the letters would stop, but each season they arrived like the latest version of the flu.
He unfolded the letter. A gauche border of oversized pine cones and too-green holly assaulted his sense of good taste and it took a minute for his eyes to adjust. Then at the bottom he spotted the gold-leaf rendition of praying hands, complete with several gold stars surrounding them. Even without these hints he knew what to expect. His eyes made their way back up to the beginning of the letter.
Your annual Christmas letter from Dan, Candy, Cody, Melody, and Diddly Brandsnicker!!!
Well, it’s that time of year again. We hope all of you are well and that this past year has been fruitful and beneficial in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And speaking of HIM, let us not forget that this season is about HIM and the fact that HE died for our sins. Praise HIM and HIS holiness, Amen.
Now, let’s get down to what has happened in the past eleven months. First, let’s take Melody, our youngest at thirteen years of age. She was VOTED most likely to win the giant chocolate bar at this year’s spelling bee held in Guernesey City. Melody is EXTREMELY popular in her class, given the fact that she won the talent competition two years in a row with her version of “Memory” from Cats, even though the first year someone stole her costume and she was forced to perform dressed as a banana. She had participated in Lucille Prendergast’s “Fruits on Parade” skit before intermission and there wasn’t time to change even if we could have found her dress. While she only came in second place at the spelling bee (she won the snow globe) we’re still proud of her and her Christian values. She told me after her near-miss to Guernesey City’s Marsha Tellabandano (the first-place winner and a little too dark-complexioned to be calling herself Caucasian if you ask me), “Mom, look at how the Lord has blessed me. HE is so good, allowing me to win only second place. It must be that chocolate is the work of the devil. Praise HIM.” We hope Melody continues with her Bible studies as she one day strives to be a professional Sunday school teacher, but hopefully without that banana costume!!!
Now, let’s move on to Cody, our oldest and heir to the Brandsnicker fortune. As many of you know, Cody was quite a handful when he was younger, having been a Caesarean birth. I thought we’d never get his head out!! We still have videotapes of the blessed event, so if anyone wants one, just write to us with $5.60 for postage and we’ll be happy to send it right along. We’re happy to report that Cody has grown into quite a young man, having reached the height of 6’2” at the age of fifteen, and weighing over 200 pounds! He plays in the high school band where he sits last chair sousaphone, and we’re confident that he will make something of himself someday as he is very interested in doing the Lord’s work and is “spiritual leader” for the sousaphone section where he guides them in prayer before and after each half-time show. Cody is the FIRST PERSON in the history of Guernesey City to sit fourth chair sousaphone in the band! You go Cody!!!
Well, I guess it’s time we got to Daddy Dan Brandsnicker. The first few months of last year were hard on Dan as he had a bad case of toenail fungus. We tried just about everything but the fungus just kept spreading to all of his toes until the ugly yellowed nails came completely off. Yuck, Daddy!!! Diddly, our Yorkshire terrier (actually he’s part Chihuahua and part Pekinese), even found one in his food dish and brought it to us. Thanks Diddly! He’s doing much better now (Dan, not Diddly) and we’re thankful that after the prayer services held around his feet, delivered by the deacons at our church, that the fungus has completely disappeared. An additional prayer service is scheduled for February 6th of this year, just to be sure that the devil spores don’t return, so mark your calendars! We know that if we trust in the LORD that HE will banish this awful fungus forever. Praise HIM! Other than that problem, Dan has been doing well at work, recently being promoted to Senior Assistant Manager of the frozen foods department at the Piggly-Wiggly. He replaced a rather un-Christian fellow who was reputed to be a homosexual with AIDS, and since we know that AIDS is God’s vengeance on the sodomites, we can only assume that Dan was chosen to show the way of the LORD to all who work in food distribution.
Now here’s the part I’m not very good at. This is where I have to talk about myself and all that I’ve done. I know the Lord says we should not brag, but I believe that others need to know of the good deeds performed throughout the year so that Satan doesn’t get us down. So here goes.
The first month of the New Year I was elected chairperson for the Guernesey City Ladies Auxiliary for Handicap Ramp Installation (or GCLAHRI for short.) I know it sounds complicated but it really just involves making sure that all sidewalks are accessible to our less-blessed individuals. The only problem we had was with Blankenship’s hardware on South Main. Mr. Blankenship refused to donate half of the cost of installation on the grounds that none of his customers were handicapped. After the Junior League picketed for several hours one Saturday he changed his mind. The prayer vigil outside didn’t hurt any either, and once again GOD came to our aid. Shame on you, Charles Blankenship! We won’t shop at your store anymore! After things calmed down I resigned my position as chairman (we only have three streets in town) and moved on to become Guernesey City’s first woman to ever bake twelve cakes in one day, and all the same flavor! We’ve contacted Ripley’s Believe It or Not, but so far they haven’t called us back.
Well, I should sign off now until next year. Nothing much really happened to tell about in the rest of the family except that a cousin was nominated for some book award and a great uncle on mother’s side posthumously won an award for discovering the cure for some disease (hope it wasn’t AIDS!!!). But we know how that mundane stuff doesn’t interest any of our friends. Until next year, remember to keep the LORD in your heart and remember that this season is in remembrance of HIM.
We LOVE you!!!!! GOD bless all.
Dan, Candy, Melody, Cody, and Diddly Brandsnicker
P.S. Come visit!
Christmas came and went that year after the family newsletter, and Ollie found himself consumed with life in Manhattan, forgetting about his family, and especially his cousin. He was working on a new collection of short stories and had just been named senior editor at one of the most prestigious magazines in the city, so his days were busy with things literary and not much thought was given to relatives or toenail fungus. The seasons melded together and before he knew what was happening, the weather turned cold once again with Christmas only a few weeks away.
Returning home from work one day, he fumbled his way to his apartment after retrieving the mail from the over-painted mailbox located in the lobby of his building. As the elevator carried him up, he shuffled through the fat stack of mail: Three Christmas cards (you could tell by the shape and coloration of the envelope, not to mention the return address—always from someone you hadn’t heard from in a year); four catalogs, again from that national retail home furnishing chain; three misdirected postcards whose city and zip code didn’t even match his own, and two magazines. But there was one more piece of mail in the equation. It was a letter-sized envelope with glitter snowflakes strategically positioned around the address. He knew before he opened it what it was going to say, but like someone who wants to watch open-heart surgery yet at the same time is sickened by the sight, he couldn’t help himself, and tore into the glitter and overly feminine handwriting to get to the new information the letter contained.
Greetings and a Merry Christmas from the Brandsnicker family! We’re so blessed this year that we’ve thought about calling each and every one of you, but Dan seems to think we need to save money, so here’s our contribution in print!!! All the better, I suppose, as we can now tithe more to the LORD for all he has done for us. So let’s jump right in with what has been happening this past year!!!!!!!
We’ll start with our oldest, Cody. He’s now 6’2” and over 260 pounds! We’re so proud of him and the fact that he’s now this year’s runner up for Guernesey City’s hog-calling championship. Guess playing that sousaphone really paid off, huh, Cody! While he still sits last chair in the band, we have confidence that the LORD will bless him in other ways. Did you know Cody has size 13 feet!
Now for Melody, our youngest. As many of you know, Melody has had a problem with acne over this past year. We prayed about this and one day while I was doing dishes, the LORD’S image came to me in the reflection of the can opener. I knelt and prayed, and when I looked up I noticed that something was sticking out from the cabinet below the sink. On further investigation, I found boxes and boxes of band candy—a forbidden item in the Brandsnicker household. We knew Cody wasn’t guilty as he was too busy practicing, so we questioned Melody even though she is not in the band. Well, to make a long story short, Melody has an addiction problem—to chocolate. We all knelt and prayed around the refrigerator and asked GOD to intervene and we’re confident that Melody will lick this problem before our next letter to you all. We know that this is the LORD’S way of testing us and we accept it. We praise HIM and the problems HE has put in front of us.
On to Dan now. Well, Daddy Daniel is doing much better, having been promoted to Assistant Manager of Projects in shelf display at the Piggly-Wiggly. Evidently the area he was previously assigned to, benefited from his Christian example and we can only hope that no more homosexuals will be found in our food chains around the country. Dan’s new manager is the nicest man who seems to have all the right values: a lovely wife, three adorable children, and two brand-new cars! We hope that the pressures of food display don’t dent Dan and his boss’s friendship!
A note about Diddly. He hasn’t been feeling too well as of late and this year he has logged in over twelve hours of vet time. We’re still not sure what’s the matter with him, but we feel certain that the prayer blanket we ordered from TV will help. Thank you Pat Robertson!!!!!
And, as you all know, I always save myself for last. It breaks my heart to report that Ripley’s has turned us down. It seems that some Satan-worshiping woman in California holds the record for the number of cakes baked in one day. Obviously the Brandsnickers—as well as the entire town of Guernesey City—are crushed, but we must persevere. This is just HIS way of telling me that I should move on to pies, I guess. At any rate, I’ve now been doing late-night volunteer work at the suicide hotline in the hope of reaching some storm-tossed person. With God’s help I may be able to turn some lost soul around and point them in the direction of the LORD before it’s too late! I did have one boy who was suicidal call me, and when I asked him “Why” he told me, after a long and anguished ordeal, that he was “gay.” I know it was my duty to try and save this individual, but I felt the LORD intervening and I told him that he would be better off dead. He hung up so we’ll never know if I got through to him or not. Praise the LORD for all his guidance!!!!!!
Praise HIM and all that HE stands for. LOVE to you all—The Brandsnickers!!!!!!!
Ollie folded the letter and put it in a drawer with the other correspondence from his relatives. As he did so, memories of his cousin came back to him, along with those languid and lackadaisical days in Missouri—his home state. His cousin had been just as odd then, with her sanctimonious faux-Christian values and underlying emotional greed. But it seemed she had gotten worse lately, gradually losing her grip on reality.
And she wasn’t much to look at either. He remembered her flat-heeled shoes, her protruding abdomen, how she chain-sucked so many cigarettes that the skin around her lips had miniature gullies running down into her mouth. The woman had all the panache of a dog handler at the Westminster Dog Show. The only thing missing was the dog. But then she had Diddly.
As if these things weren’t bad enough, Ollie remembered that she had often conspired with his mother, cooking up schemes to get rid of family pets and telling his teachers that he hated them, when in fact just the opposite was true. He had thought that somehow she would grow out of her attitudes, but they only seemed to fester like some great oozing sore that refuses to heal.
Ollie promised himself that he would never again open one of these letters, but after a year of traveling around the country on a book signing, and a meeting in Paris with one of his other cousins who was now a famous news journalist covering major events in the world, he forgot, and once again found himself standing in the vestibule of his building, sorting through his pile-up of mail after having been away for so long. The usual things were there: bills for electricity, telephone, rent. Then there were the magazines—even the ones he had cancelled. Then the letters from those magazines complaining that he hadn’t paid the subscription even though his attorney had written a letter canceling them. There were now twelve catalogs from the retail outlet, and their rabbit-like reproductive capabilities were beginning to annoy him. Finally, there were the year’s new phone books, tome-like and weighty with the names of millions of New Yorkers. Then Ollie saw it. The dreaded Christmas letter. This year’s decoration was an angel stamp which had been freely applied to both sides of the envelope, the bottom of the angel’s skirt forming the letters “PRAISE HIM!”
Ollie worked his finger at the open corner of the envelope and tore into it, tattering the edges so that they now resembled precariously attached pieces of confetti.
Merry CHRISTmas from the Brandsnickers!!!!!!!
It’s Christmas once again at the Brandsnickers and we’re glad to be able to share all of the past year’s trials and tribulations with our friends and relatives.
To start off with, as many of you know, Dan has been working hard this year, staying late almost every night of the week and then some on weekends. It seems that his boss also works late and the two have developed quite a friendship. Once they even worked so hard that neither of them could drive home and they had to spend the night in some dump of a motel on Route 9! But all of that hard work has paid off since Dan is now Senior VP of Marketing and Sales! We’re so proud of you Dan. You go boy!!!! Faith in our LORD and a strong desire to truly be a GOOD person really does make a difference.
Now, on to Melody. Many of you were unfortunate enough to see the front-page photograph of our youngest being arrested, in the Guernesey City Daily. Yes, she was wearing fishnet stockings, yes she had on black eye shadow, and yes she was in handcuffs. At first we were devastated. Then we found out the truth. When we met with Melody in her cell—the judge would not allow bail—we discovered that she had only been “posing” as a call girl in order to witness to those poor individuals from nearby Curby Ridge who insist on selling themselves to the depraved and Satanic-minded persons who call themselves Guerneseyites! We know the truth, Melody, and it’s time everyone did. We’re also happy to report that this youngest of ours, (fifteen now) has kicked the chocolate habit. The only withdrawal symptoms seem to be her dilated pupils and a slightly slurred speech pattern. But we know that she is doing well despite her previous addiction. Just the other day, she said to me, “Mom, the Lord has blessed me so (and at this point she wiped her nose with the overly long sleeve of her denim jacket), just look at all that HE’s given me.” I know that with the LORD’s help Melody will continue to be a bastion of strength for us and our church. Praise GOD!!!
On a sad note, we’re sorry to report that Diddly has become seriously ill. The doctor seems to think that some sort of fungus of the gums may be the culprit. We love and cherish our pet and WE WILL PRAY FOR YOU DIDDLY!!!!!!!!!
Now, about Cody. As you know he is seventeen, an age when the hormones start raging in our young people. We’re confident that the two things he enjoys most—playing the sousaphone and praying—will lead him in the right direction. Just last Sunday, he led the singing in church with one hand while playing the sousaphone with the other. For those of you who don’t know what a sousaphone is, it is the marching band version of the tuba and has a large flared bell which sticks upright. Still, as large as the instrument is, Cody has trouble getting “into” the thing. He’s now 6 feet 2 inches tall and over 300 pounds!!! That’s our boy!
Once again, it’s my turn. Ah, to be the lucky mother of two delightful children and a loving and faithful husband. There is nothing more the LORD could have given me, with the exception of no Mexican neighbors. I don’t mean to be a spoiled sport, but, as you know, most Mexicans are Catholic and these that we have living down the block are going straight to hell in my opinion. Unless you belong to our church, you don’t stand a chance. But I won’t dwell on these people. Hopefully, if I pray hard enough, the LORD will bless them and make their country economically viable enough for them to move back.
There’s not much more to tell you folks this year. Dan’s sister, Sally, came to visit after six months as a journalist, traveling for a major news corporation, and a nephew of mine who is only twelve just received a scholarship to the Juilliard School in New York. We can only pray that the heathens of other lands don’t molest Sally and that New York doesn’t corrupt any of my kin!!!!
Remember to dwell in the house of the LORD and praise HIM. In HIS name, we pray, AMEN!!!!!
Faithfully yours,
Candy, Dan, Melody, Cody, and Diddly
Ollie tried to forget about the letter as soon as possible. He hadn’t spoken with his cousin in over ten years, yet she persisted in sending these letters. Forget about the content. Even her particular brand of style—if you could call it that—was irritating. The woman was well on her way to becoming nothing but a series of capital letters and exclamation marks.
But as usual, his hectic life in New York dictated that he forget the letter and move ahead, and so Ollie, consumed with the bustling season and the even more bustling new year, put aside not only the letter, but all thoughts of home and his relatives. Ollie had just finished another book and was preparing to have it sent to press, so most of the year was taken up with proofreading, editing, and meetings with his publisher. The year was filled with a plethora of other things as well: He gave a series of lectures in Russia and China on the state of the American novel, and had even run into one of his second cousins overseas. The cousin was now a Rhodes scholar and the two of them met in Istanbul for lunch, getting a chance to brush up on their Russian—they were fluent.
Back in the states, Ollie found time to work at a benefit for the homeless and become elected chairman for a committee to raise AIDS awareness. Still, it was a shock, as it always was, when Christmas rolled around and he opened his mailbox to a cascade of seasonal mail that spilled from it, restless and waiting to be opened.
The bounty was never-ending: There were no less than twenty-three catalogs from the same offending retail chain, and now not only were there magazines whose subscriptions he had cancelled, but there were duplicates of those subscriptions as well. This year’s Christmas card pickings were slim: only three cards, all bearing—strangely enough—the same style and color of return address label, even though they were from different people, none of whom knew one another. Finally, he saw the most offending member of the pile, gingerly nestled between the last catalog and a notice to cut off his electricity—even though he had paid the bill, never been late, and had the cancelled check in hand.
He extracted the letter-sized envelope with the tips of his fingers, the way one might who is afraid the contents are radioactive. Carrying it this way into his apartment, he set it down on the hall table and began rummaging through the drawer, looking for the letter opener. It was as though he were going to perform surgery on the thing, for today he didn’t feel like sticking his fingers into the loose end and working the casing open. He wanted something else to do the work.
Finally the letter was released into the open air of his apartment and he was reading.
Greetings from the Brandsnicker family!!!!!!!!!
Another year has come and gone and we’re all still here. Well, all of us except one.
I don’t want to start this Christmas letter off on a depressing note, but I feel I must get the bad news out up front. Diddly, our beloved Yorkshire Terrier, has died. On Friday, May 13th (an obvious bad omen because of the Satanic number 13), we carried our poor Diddly to the vet. He had stopped eating for several days and was wheezing through his nose. The vet insisted on doing exploratory surgery and when he opened up poor Diddly, he found exactly nine yellowish, hard, plastic-looking pieces of material. We can’t imagine where he could have gotten such things and we have all been racking our brains to figure out just where this poor creature could have picked these up. The vet also looked into Diddly’s nose and mouth and discovered that a fungus had infected his entire brain cavity, causing our poor little baby to have a bad case of dementia. That would explain his loss of bladder control and obsession with the toilet plunger in the powder room just off the kitchen. So it is with great sorrow that we mourn the passing of Diddly from this earth, but we know that the LORD will take care of his little withered body and we are thankful for that. See you in heaven, Diddly!!!!!!
Now, on a lighter note, our youngest, Melody, has once again been witnessing for the LORD. It seems that she was arrested one balmy Friday night while attempting to sell drugs to an undercover police officer. Of course, as she explained to us, she was only trying to find out if the officer was really going to take the drugs so that she could then witness to him and convince him to turn to our LORD. Now, the police don’t believe her story, but Dan and I stand by her and as always, we KNOW that her intentions were honorable. And we feel that it is only a matter of time before the rest of the town comes around to our way of thinking. You go Melody!!!!!!!
Our oldest, Cody, is a senior in high school this year and it looks as though he may be a senior once again next year. His grades were so bad the first half of the year that he will have to attend next year AGAIN to graduate. We know this is just the LORD’s way of testing us and that’s just fine! If the LORD sees fit that Cody should stay around to lead the sousaphone section in prayer one more year, then so be it! We don’t really blame Cody for his past performance in school, because last October Cody had an attack of appendicitis and was in the hospital for three days. Mary Lou, our beloved florist in Guernesey, sent him the cutest arrangement of flowers with small sousaphones stuck in it. Thank you Mary Lou!!!!!!!
And now for the really good news. As many of you know, Dan has been spending more and more time away from home because of his work. So much so, in fact, that he has had to move into a house just five minutes away from his office. Yes, he has had to leave his family temporarily in order to more closely witness to those in food distribution services. It seems that his boss is also living in the home. So dedicated are these two men, that we know the LORD will bless them with goodness and charity, and that one day they will return to their respective homes to be with their families. Neither Dan’s boss’s wife or I have seen either of our husbands, but we know that they are working hard at making the world a safer place for food distribution. Keep those frozen peas safe, Dan!!!
Once again, it’s my turn. What can I say? This year has been a roller coaster of emotions for all of us, what with the price of gasoline going up and our children becoming better and better CHRISTIANS day by day. The only real drawback has been the NEGRO family who has moved in down the street. Now, I’m not being racist, but the Bible says that the races should not mix and I believe that our LORD was referring to neighborhoods as well as marriages when he said this.
Other than that, about the only thing new in the family was my sister’s boy, Rudolph, who got some type of scholarship that has to do with roads or something. He’s going to England for a year and then on to Russia after that. Better him than me as I do NOT like to travel and I am NOT a Communist sympathizer. You all have a good rest of the year and remember to keep the LORD most HOLY as HE is the WAY.
Always spreading GOD’s WORD,
Candy, Dan, Melody, and Cody
“That’s it,” thought Ollie. “I’m never opening another one of these things again.” But the year flew by, and distracted by an aunt and uncle’s death and an all expense-paid trip to Frankfurt to see a second cousin conduct a series of orchestra concerts there, he forgot about the letter and its plebian contents. Toward the end of September another of his cousins (it was, after all, a large family) moved from Atlanta to New York to become the president of one of the major stock exchanges in the city. There was an elegant party thrown at the Waldorf, resplendent with the governor of New York, the mayor of the city, and no less than twelve major celebrities. So it was understandable that Ollie forgot, because of the recent festivities as well as the skyrocketing sales of his latest book, his promise not to read the letters from his cousin, and found himself tearing into the fir-scented envelope while standing at his mailbox. He was just about to extract the letter when he realized something was different. No catalogs. Not one. He bent lower to look more closely inside the square metal container that held his mail, but there was nothing. He was just straightening up, experiencing an elation he had never known before, when he heard the Puerto Rican doorman’s voice calling to him from the other side of the echoing, tiled lobby.
“Yo, Ollie B,” the man verbally threw at him while working his foot at something under his desk. “Dis here ting’s for jew,” and with that the doorman pushed a medium-sized box out and into the middle of the floor. Ollie met the box halfway and was bending to pick it up. He scanned the label but couldn’t make out who or where it was from. “Probably something for Christmas from one of the relatives,” he thought as he carried it, along with the other mail, up to his apartment. Setting the box down, he used the sharp edge of his door key to score the top and sides. The receptacle was so packed with its contents that the minute he had released the tape which was holding the thing together it virtually exploded. The box was filled with catalogs, their covers showing earth-toned sofas and draperies, and there were now a good twenty or thirty scattered on the floor, with at least a hundred more still inside. And all from the same national retail chain that had been sending the things all along.
Ollie groaned and swept them to the side so that he wouldn’t slip on them. Then he turned his attention to the Christmas letter with the morbid curiosity that one reserves for daytime television shows, and began to take in what had last happened to that particular section of the Brandsnicker family.
A Christmas Greeting on the LORD’s birthday . . . From the Brandsnicker family . . .
This year’s Christmas letter is tinged with sadness, and I promise I will not dwell on the unfortunate events of the past eleven months, but as many of you know, our oldest, Cody, was killed in an unfortunate accident this past October. I will recapitulate for those of you who are not aware of the entire saga. Being the good CHRISTIAN that Cody was, he was in the middle of leading the sousaphone section in prayer during the most important game of the season when the unfortunate event occurred, so we KNOW that it was GOD’S will and would never question OUR LORD further on the matter. For those of you who were not at the football game between Guernesey City High and Cleaton Central (Guernesey 40, Cleaton 2—Yeah Guernesey City Bob Cats!!!!) I will explain.
As many of you know, the sousaphone section sits on the top row of the stadium when the band is seated, playing for our beloved Bob Cats. Because the bell of the sousaphone is extremely large, it sticks up quite a bit above the chain-link fence that protects our beloved children from falling over the back of the stadium and into Jerry’s Tire and Rim Replacement Center. The Guernesey City Daily reported that there were over sixty-five people in the stadium when the horrible accident took place—the one in which Deeter McRantay attempted his now famous pass (that boy has some throwing arm, let me tell you) and was tackled a mille-instant before, skewering his aim so that the ball flew sideways into the stadium.
It seems that Murphy’s Law was in order that night, for at the very instant Cody and his adored sousaphone section stood up for prayer, the football flew directly into the large bell of Cody’s instrument. The impact of such a powerful throw (Deeter now has a scholarship to State University), accompanied by the fact that Cody was somewhat unsteady on his feet (6’2” and over 475 pounds), caused our oldest to topple over the chain-link fence and onto the roof of Jerry’s. The sousaphone, miraculously, was intact, but alas, our poor Cody was killed instantly in the fall. The roof to Jerry’s will be repaired shortly and we know that the LORD will provide us with enough funds to fight the lawsuit. I would like to thank the many fellow Christians for their prayers and thoughts over these past troubling months and would especially like to acknowledge Charles Blankenship of Blankenship Hardware for his moral and spiritual support. As many of you know, Charles has been living with me since the accident as he and his wife are in the process of getting a divorce. Charles and I have made our peace with each other since the ugly incident involving curb remodeling in front of his lovely new store on Main Street. His guidance and insight into human suffering is remarkable and I could not get along without his undying CHRISTIAN values and his faith in the LORD.
Thank you Charles Blankenship for all you’ve done for my family. To show my support to his lovely soon-to-be ex-wife, Helen, I made her my famous crabmeat Louis casserole (from the recipe out of the Junior League cook book—$8.95 plus shipping, see Mrs. Bluewaart at Sipsy’s River Café for details.) And Helen, if you get this letter before the 25th, I need my FIRE KING DISH BACK!!!
Now, on to the rest of the group. As many of you know, Melody has been witnessing extensively to many in the area, the latest group of which is the “Goths.” Melody has even taken to PIERCING several dozen of her body parts in an attempt to “get in” with this Satanic crowd in order to fully witness to them about their abominable life-style. Just the other day she said to me, “Mom, look at how the LORD has blessed me. He’s allowed me to witness to PROSTITUTES, drug addicts and even the Satan worshipers. I’m so glad I can tell others about HIM.” Our youngest is truly an inspiration and it is wonderful that she gets along so well with Charles, our hardware man, and doesn’t resent him for living with us. I praise GOD that he has blessed me with such a loving and understanding child. Charles is still trying to get back on his feet emotionally since the breakup with his wife, but I know that with the LORD’s help that particular journey will be one of spiritual nourishment.
Well, we should discuss Dan now. For the last two years now, Dan and his boss have been living together so that they can work more extensively on “refining and developing” our nation’s food distribution delivery and display services. So great is their zeal for what they do that they now travel around in matching outfits and have even adopted the same HAIRCUTS!!! You go boys!!!! It’s so nice to see Dan finally coming into his own—he’s now the President of Display and Pricing!!! And his boss is such a good CHRISTIAN man. This past year he took Dan on a trip to Key West and San Francisco, and gave him a solid gold watch for all of his years of service and devotion. I truly thank GOD for this blessing. We wish you well, Dan, and please know that you are loved by your family.
Let’s see . . . who do we have left. Oh, yes!!! Me!!!! As many of you know, I DO NOT like to brag about my accomplishments, but I will just this once. As reported on the front page of the Guernesey City Daily, I won the fifth annual Guernesey City POTHOLDER making championship. Now, I know there are those out there who said that because Charles Blankenship’s ex-wife was in the hospital with food poisoning that I really didn’t have any competition, but let me tell you, I worked and PRAYED HARD for that first-place award and I aim to keep it!!!!
Just a word about the rest of the family. My first cousin, Richard, was recently named President of one of those big companies in New York City—I can’t remember the name, but they have something to do with stocks or something—and my sister Eunice’s boy, Harold, is now conductor of an orchestra in Germany. Again, the city he’s in is one of those new-fangled names that I can’t even pronounce. Thank GOD I live in the U. S. of A!!!!!! My brother had a triple by-pass and both of my parents were killed by a drunk driver last July, but other than that not much has happened.
Signing off now with GOOD CHRISTIAN LOVE for all,
Me, Dan, Charles, and Melody.
“Well,” thought Ollie, “at least she got the part about her parents dying accurate.” He wasn’t going to swear off reading these letters anymore. If he couldn’t remember to throw them away, then it was his own fault. Besides, he might be able to do something with them someday—make something out of them.
The year passed much like the others. Ollie had another book published and each week it climbed higher and higher on the bestseller lists, finally making it to number one. Sometime around the last of November, just after Thanksgiving, Ollie was returning home when he noticed the headlines of a rather infamous newspaper—one that usually claims some movie star is dying or that aliens now live in the White House. He couldn’t make out the picture of the baby on the front of the paper, but the headline was unmistakable. “GUERNESEY CITY WOMAN TO GIVE BIRTH TO NEW MESSIAH! IMMACULATE CONCEPTION THE CULPRIT!” Ollie didn’t give it much thought until a week later when he opened yet another of his cousin’s Christmas letters.
It’s a MIRACLE. That’s all that can be said about it!!! PRAISE the LORD on HIGH!!!!
Our beloved daughter, Melody, is scheduled to give birth to a BABY!!!! And here’s just part of the amazing story: The doctor says the delivery is scheduled for DECEMBER 25TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s right! It wasn’t enough that Melody came up PREGNANT out of thin air, but now this is truly a sign from HIM that the second MESSIAH is on his way. I will admit, at first I was skeptical when Melody told me she was pregnant, but after questioning her, I realized that she was telling the truth when she said that she had never experienced INTIMATE relations with a man. And as I thought about it, I realized that she had to be telling the truth. For the past year, Melody has rarely left the house, choosing to spend almost all of her time with Charles under his excellent CHRISTIAN tutelage. So you can see that this MIRACLE of birth which is to take place at the end of this month is exactly like Mary’s when she gave birth to Jesus!!!!!!
There were those in olden days who thought that MARY had experienced the “love of a man” and become “with child,” but as we know now, it was Immaculate Conception, JUST LIKE MY MELODY!!!!!!
Of course, we will be naming the baby JESUS and I’ve already bought the cutest “starter set” of carpenter toys from HOME DEPOT for the little tyke! This will be the best Christmas EVER!!!!!!!
I could go on and on about this MIRACLE birth, but the LORD is telling me that I need to spread more of the good news of our family, so here goes . . .
Dan and his boss have now moved to San Francisco where they can better “facilitate management” of the FOOD industry. I didn’t even know that San Francisco was the food capital of the world!!!!! I do miss him terribly, but I know that he is doing the LORD’s work and that his boss is such a good CHRISTIAN man that nothing can stand in their way. You go boys!!!!!!! I did see Dan one time before he left for the Coast. My, that man of mine has really shaped up!! You should see how fit and TAN he is now that he and his boss have been working out regularly. And their house!!!! Oh, my gosh! I only got to see the inside this time as they had it up for sale. Dan must be truly doing well as the inside was filled with antiques and priceless works of art. THE LORD HAS TRULY BLESSED THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many thanks to all our friends and neighbors who have donated money for Cody’s funeral EXPENSES that were incurred last year. At the time, we had no idea that the specially built coffin would COST so much, especially because of Cody’s size and the fact that he had requested to be buried with his instrument, but with GOD’s help in this matter, we have finally achieved our money goals. Thanks to all in the Guernesey City area!!!!!!!
On a sad note, Helen, beloved ex-wife of Charles, and mother to
two adorable children, has finally succumbed to the awful bout of food
poisoning she contacted last year. The coma was long and hard on us all, but
after months of suffering she is with our LORD. Praise HIM and all that HE has
done for this poor unfortunate family. Just a note before I sign off for the
year. My sister’s boy won some type of piano competition (Chi-kow-ess-keee?—I’m
not sure how you spell the darn thing but it was in Russia) and my first cousin
living in New York City has had another
book published. It was on some best-seller list for the past six months. Wish he’d get a REAL job!!!!!!!!!!
GOD BLESS you all and keep us in your prayers!!!!!!!! Until next year!!!!!
Ollie stood there in the lobby of his apartment building, where the mailboxes were located, and read the entire thing. He was so distracted by the letter that he hadn’t noticed the pile of boxes that almost blocked the way to the elevators.
“Ralphie?” Ollie questioned toward the front desk. “What are these boxes for?” The despondent and diffident doorman responded with his usual shortness: “Dose are for jew.”
Ollie looked at the address on one of the boxes. They were indeed for him. Then he saw the company logo and name.
“Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Ralphie, you tell whoever delivered these to take them back. I’m through with this thing. I don’t know what’s going on here, but have whoever brought them take them back.”
“Whas dee matter?” asked Ralphie in his thick Spanish accent, “you doan like mail order?”
“I like mail order fine,” said Ollie, “I just don’t like three thousand catalogs, and now they’re coming in boxes?”
Ralphie just shrugged
Ollie made his way into the elevator and pressed the button for his floor. Once inside his apartment, he relinquished the letter to the drawer of the hall table, along with the copied newspaper clipping and front-page headline that had been included with the Christmas letter—the clipping showing the supposed “new Messiah.” They were beginning to pile up, these letters that appeared each year, and now the drawer was overflowing with accounts of Cody and Melody and Diddly, and everyone else.
Ollie’s new year was filled with book signings, lectures, and a three-month vacation he treated himself to at the end of the summer, and as usual all thoughts of relatives and sousaphones slipped his mind. Sometime around October his agent called and reminded him that he owed one more short story to one of those few magazines that still published them—always wedged inconspicuously somewhere in between the latest dieting fads and some political article. Ollie managed to stall for time and get the publication to print his story in February. After all, he couldn’t very well complete it until the last bit of information came into play, and that wouldn’t happen until December.
The Christmas season this year was different for Ollie, for he tore into the bright red-and-green envelope with great anticipation, totally ignoring the small Christmas-tree-shaped-pieces of glitter that spilled onto the floor, eager to read what would he hoped would be the final note in this twisted Muzak symphony of sounds one called family. The rest of the mail could wait. He stood there in the dim light of his apartment lobby, taking in everything, finding that he was now addicted to the information, as if by reading the letters over the years he had become so accustomed to them that he found it irritating to have to wait an entire year for the next installment.
Greetings from our new and modified CHRISTIAN family . . .
Well, this first year of living with the Messiah has been a blessing. Little Jesus will be exactly ONE YEAR OLD this coming December 25th. We’re so proud that GOD picked our little Melody to be the vessel to carry this infant and now, just watching him suckle at her teat fills me with enormous pride. So much pride, in fact, that we have contacted a local taker of portraits to make a large six-foot by four-foot print of the BREAST-FEEDING. I picked out Melody’s dress from Wal-Mart myself and you should see the ruffles. It is an ORGANDY number with small prints of birds and bees all over it!!! Actually all of you WILL get to see the dress and the photograph of her breast-feeding baby Jesus as we plan to mass-market the picture and sell it on the Home Shopping Network for $499.95 apiece. We’re taking special orders now, and if you’re a relative or friend you can get in on the ground floor price of only $399.95 until this coming March—all others will have to wait!!!!! We’re so excited about this opportunity that the LORD has given us. At least TWO PERCENT of the proceeds will be given to Blankenship’s Hardware and another two percent to the 700 Club. Well, that’s enough about Jesus and me for now, as I should tell you what has been happening in the rest of the family’s life, so here goes:
Melody is breast-feeding—we’ve covered THAT. And Charles Blankenship will be settling comfortably into a new home with Melody and baby in the next several months. Thank the LORD for a man with honorable intentions. It is so good of Charles to move in with Melody and take care of her and baby Jesus. I only hope that one day he sees fit to remove the RESTRAINING order he and Melody have placed against me as I would love to be a part of OUR SAVIOR’s life at some point. I know that Charles has the best intentions and I will wait patiently like the faithful SERVANT OF GOD that I am. Praise HIM!!!!!!!
Now, about my husband Dan. A few months ago I received a notice from Dan’s attorney, asking me for a divorce. I JUMPED for joy that the LORD was testing me in this way!!!! Of course I decided to give him the divorce he sought as it would only make my life more miserable and as we all know, you must SUFFER incredibly in order to be a good CHRISTIAN. THANK YOU JESUS (the first one) for this great OPPORTUNITY to serve you and all that you stand for!!!!!!!! I know that if I am PATIENT and do the LORD’s work, that he will BLESS me and eventually RETURN Dan to me and allow me to see my GRANDBABY JESUS. PRAISE HIM AND ALL THAT HE STANDS FOR!!!!!!!!!!!
Until next YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!
Candy
Ollie folded the letter and smiled to himself. He was completely lost in thought now, thinking about how he would position this last letter into the short story he was writing. And he was so lost in thought that he never noticed the brown UPS truck with its burly driver who climbed down from the cab and made his way to the back of the vehicle. He never noticed the large wooden skid containing the fifty boxes of catalogs which the driver had left on the sidewalk, just outside the front door to his building—never noticed them, that is, until the driver had gone and it was too late.
