Jackson Tippett McCrae's Favorite Quotes
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
—Woody Allen
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine
that age brings wisdom.
—H. L. Mencken
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
—Dwight D. Eisenhower
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
—Woody Allen
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
—Albert Einstein
America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
—Oscar Wilde
If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses.
—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
—Oscar Wilde
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
—Oscar Wilde
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
—Woody Allen
Death is not the worst than can happen to men.
—Plato
A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.
—H. L. Mencken
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
—Woody Allen
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
—Fran Lebowitz
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
—Confucius
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
—H. L. Mencken
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
—Fran Lebowitz
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
—Albert Einstein
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
—George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
—George Carlin
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
—Rita Rudner
In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact
with reality at any point.
—Friedrich Nietzsche
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that
the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
—Rita Rudner
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult.
—Rita Rudner
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down,
I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
—Groucho Marx
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
—H. L. Mencken
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
—Confucius
Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star.
—Confucius
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
—George Carlin
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
—Friedrich Nietzsche
Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.
—H. L. Mencken
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
—H. L. Mencken
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
—Groucho Marx
Biography lends to death a new terror.
—Oscar Wilde
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time,
somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those
people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
—George Carlin
Everything that deceives may be said to enchant.
—Plato
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
—Oscar Wilde
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
—H. L. Mencken
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
—Albert Einstein
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
—Groucho Marx
Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
—Voltaire
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
—Groucho Marx
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
—Mark Twain
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
—Friedrich Nietzsche
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
—Mark Twain
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
—George Carlin
Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.
—H. L. Mencken
The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.
—Oprah Winfrey
Never let your inferiors do you a favor - it will be extremely costly.
—H. L. Mencken
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
—H. L. Mencken
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
—Mark Twain
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
—Mark Twain
Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do.
—Voltaire
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
—Mark Twain
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
—H. L. Mencken
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
—Mark Twain
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
—Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
—Mark Twain
What I know for sure is that what you give comes back to you.
—Oprah Winfrey
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
—John F. Kennedy
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
—Oscar Wilde
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
—Oscar Wilde
Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
—Albert Einstein
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
—Albert Einstein
The secret of being boring is to say everything.
—Voltaire
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
—Mark Twain
It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.
—Mark Twain
Patriots always talk of dying for their country but never of killing for their country.
—Bertrand Russell
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
—Mark Twain
Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation.
—James Thurber
The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.
—John F. Kennedy
At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely.
—W. Somerset Maugham
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
—W. Somerset Maugham
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
—James Thurber
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
—Will Rogers
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
—Voltaire
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.
—Will Rogers
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
—Benjamin Franklin
One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live
down everything except a good reputation.
—Oscar Wilde
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
—Bertrand Russell
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
—Albert Einstein
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's
going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
—Will Rogers
Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing.
—Benjamin Franklin
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
—Benjamin Franklin
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
—Will Rogers
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life
I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
—Bertrand Russell
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
—Will Rogers
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
—Jane Austen
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock
and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
—Will Rogers
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
—Will Rogers
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
—Will Rogers
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.
—Will Rogers
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
—George Bernard Shaw
I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
—Will Rogers
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
—Will Rogers
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
—Will Rogers
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
—Will Rogers
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we
are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no
matter what it does.
—Will Rogers
-Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
—Will Rogers
A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.
—Dorothy Parker
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
—Dorothy Parker
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
—Dorothy Parker
I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of
quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.
—Dorothy Parker
I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it.
—Dorothy Parker
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.
—George Bernard Shaw
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
—Dorothy Parker
If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
—Albert Einstein
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
—Dorothy Parker
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
—Dorothy Parker
The best way to keep children home is to make the home
atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires.
—Dorothy Parker
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
—Dorothy Parker
Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
—George Bernard Shaw
Hell is full of musical amateurs.
—George Bernard Shaw
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
—George Bernard Shaw
